Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I am alive, this I cling to

2/19/08 Tuesday
Yesterday was a day spent in anger and frustration. I recognized this but it was like I was a spectator watching and unable to stop what was happening. I finally found the bowls. They were of course right where I put them and forgot. This is not unusual for me. Much of my days are spent looking for my gloves that I lay down and don’t remember where many times during the day. I hate being lost so much. I am also not comfortable with not always being in control of my emotions. I was to go into town yesterday but didn’t dare while like this. The farm is a safe haven for me, a place I can hide while enduring these things. While I am not like this most of the time now it still causes me to be fearful of inappropriate behavior with those who care for us so much. I will probably always keep a distance from others, a small wall of security, not to protect myself as much as those around me. It’s not that I fear being violent, I just don’t want to hurt them. I want to have friends but am afraid to.

This morning Jay called. He needs the tools that he had lent me to fix the fire damage back. I have noticed them and decided to return them several times but like so many things it escapes my mind each time and never happens. I told him we haven’t used them yet because we need to buy the fifteen degree elbow kit to install the chimney right. I didn’t tell him we haven’t gotten it because the funds aren’t there because he already gave us two hundred dollars towards this need and I’m just not comfortable asking for more. The chimney company who has the best deals online finally got back to me yesterday by email. He said the kit costs $139.00 which is far better than the next closest price we found of $190.00. I told Jay we will probably wait till the weather warms up to finish this job as it will require dismantling the entire chimney just to get to the wall much less put the chimney up correctly.

I’ve been struggling with the tiller all morning. After taking the carburetor off and going through it I got the tiller to start but it only ran for seconds before cutting off. Now it won’t even fire up at all. I’ll take the top off to access the points and see if there is something obviously wrong there. Without the tiller things will be much harder to do. It is all such a struggle right now and makes future hopes more distant. After yesterday depression is rearing it’s ugly head so there’s another battle in what has always been a constant war.

I will go to Midland today to do my poop scooping job. It’s also the day I set up with Lowe’s to pick up the broken bags of dirt and stuff. I wonder how that will work out. We never ordered the tomato, corn, and melon seeds we need. It should have been done a month of more ago. I am frustrated by this as well. If I can’t manage to even order seeds what makes me think I can farm or do much of anything at all. God I feel like a vegetable. Hell I just remembered that I remembered to move the water sprinklers over an hour ago. They have been watering the same area for three hours now. I forgot to set the phone alarm when I placed them. I must stop writing now and do it immediately for I will forget in about two sentences.

So I’m back and remembered to set the alarm. While doing so I thought about all this and I wonder. Are all these dreams I have just a delusion? It is so hard to accept how far I’ve fallen. To think that at one time I built several companies from scratch and without a penny in my pocket for a few of them. To think there were articles about me in the paper and the local CBS station interviewed me and featured my telemarketing company as an example of ethics in the industry. Now I have a hard time keeping up with a garden. But I have Cherie. If nothing else happens I am blessed and life is good for I am alive when I once was dead.

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